This is going to be the focus of my dissertation, for parents who have found out that their child may not, or definitely cannot, lead the same lives as other children can. Based on what the literature on meaning making suggests, when parents find out that their child may not have the same kind of life as what other children can have, psychological discomfort arises, because they experience a discrepancy between their long-held assumptions (that the world makes sense, the world is benevolent and just) and the reality that their child, or them, who is innocent and has/have never done anything bad in his/her/their life, is not going to be rewarded. The world just suddenly doesn't make sense anymore, one can never count on things to remain the same. So my research is designed to help these parents find meaning in their situation and be able to cope, even though it is not a pleasant situation to be in.
Why am I talking about this? Dhyan said she felt it was no coincidence that my research would have a meaning making focus, because in some ways, I am starting to discover meaning in my life. And I agree. I am starting to see that life's twists and turns do not always necessarily bring me to a bad place in the end. It might feel like that at that point in time, but really, if I just hang on long enough and continue with the way I want to live, things will turn out fine in the end.
I used to, or still do, live in a very sheltered world. In particular, I was a SNOB in primary and secondary school. It hurt me a lot when I didn't do well in my O levels and had to go to a JC that most students in my secondary school didn't go to. But I gained my confidence in JC, I became more mature, and more open-minded. I saw and experienced things which I wouldn't have experienced at all. At the time, I couldn't see past the possibility that I could have not gone there had I worked harder, or been more confident, or had more self-esteem. But I see now that going to my JC was a necessary path in my life, because it changed me for the better, and made me get closer to Evon. I needed to go through that. I became more patient, and more accepting of others, and I got to know who I was better.
This made me ready for my undergrad days when I decided to do psychology. I learnt a lot about myself then, and also grew to accept that I would not give up some things about myself. Discovering my weaknesses wasn't the most pleasant, but having the confidence to know them and to become comfortable with them is something that I managed to do, and something that will always be an ongoing process for me. But the journey in my undergrad days made it gentle on me to learn about myself, and I love myself more than I did when I was in secondary school.
Fast forward to now, when I am in Perth doing my postgrad and pursuing my dream of becoming a psychologist. I think I have done reasonably well in my life, and, you know, without the commencement of self-discovery in JC and a deeper one in NTU, I wouldn't have been able to gain so much insight about myself. Now, the choice still remains as to whether I want to keep or let go of some of the emotional baggage, but I do know that whatever decision I make, it's not something I will regret, because I've resolved it and made peace with myself. I think I've also grown stronger in the time I've been away from home. I've learnt to assert myself and live independently. I've learnt how to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, and I'm really proud of that. I would love to go home, yes, but I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.
Looking back, I've realised that everything that has happened has been for the best. And some of the decisions that I made, such as continuing to do the best I could in spite of being disappointed, have helped. I think I've learnt that in every situation, as long as I remember what I'm there for, and work towards it, living in the moment and trying my best, things will turn out for the best. And that includes everything - relationships, family, work, friends, etc. I know now that if my research were to extend and I couldn't go back to Singapore in time, I would be able to live with it. I am able to live with disappointments and be open to any other possibility open to me.
Dhyan also told me that I don't have to try to be myself. I do still feel like I have to, in order to please others. But I've come a very long way from who I used to be. I still have a long way more to go, but I'll get there.