Its been a rollercoaster of experiences since the last time I blogged.
Finally things are moving for the research, albeit slowly. At least they are replying, and I've got a (kind of) promise for advocating for me. I'm hoping things will gain momentum and I can move on with my research. It's frustrating sitting here not knowing what's going on or how I can remedy any mistake I might have overlooked, not knowing if I could have phrased something better or more politely or anything. It's also frustrating not having any control over the hospital's decision process and when they will give me a reply. Uncertainty has always been my weakness. I was reading Yalom's book on existential psychotherapy, and he was saying that anxiety is borne out of a fear of no-thing. Indeed, uncertainty is a vacuum for which the future is unknown. I feel that vague navel-pulling, heart flutter sense of nervousness when I think about the state of my research and that I'm always one day nearer to going back to Singapore.
It seems like the theme of 2012 is one of being in limbo. I'm in limbo regarding when I have to go back to serve my bond, I'm in limbo regarding my research, and in association with these, I'm in limbo regarding my accommodation. The landlord has plans to renovate the house I'm staying in, and he is kind enough to let me stay on till whenever I leave, but that's on the assumption that I'll be leaving latest by February of next year. So beyond that, who knows what will happen? I'm loathe to pack and unpack and pack again in a few months, but I'm even more loathe to go back to Singapore if I haven't even collected my data. Arghhhhh
And a drama of another sort is playing out on the undergrad front. Seriously, I don't remember having this sort of drama back in NTU. And boy-girl relationships are always the messiest, especially when they involve passive-aggressive members. And just so happens I'm caught in the middle of it, and I want to remain friends with both, but the situation seems a bit precarious now, with me looking like I'm on the side of one and not the other simply because of the presence of my name on a post. Ahh.... I can see how each of them contributed to the situation that it is today, and I think it's a normal process of interpersonal relationships to have those responses when you face those stimuli. But seriously, withdrawing from the main group and making assumptions about how everyone else feels about you is not going to make their lives better. I feel sad over the potential loss of a friendship, but this brings about deeper emotions for me. I didn't get an opportunity to explain my thoughts about this to one of the players. And having an assumption made about me when I haven't been given a heads-up about the reception to what I'm going to say or without bothering to try to find out what we think, makes me anxious and striving to seek control of the situation.
Logically, I know that the safest option for me now is to keep quiet about the situation and not partake in anymore of this situation which I had already inadvertently got myself into simply because I was asking after the well-being of one of the players. I don't regret asking after the player's well-being, because I was being a friend. I just wished I didn't have to face the implications of this. It was more responsibility than I asked for. But if I were to be honest with myself, I would definitely have been curious as to what was actually going on. So just be careful what you wish for, kids.
Come on, give people a chance. You never know what they are thinking or are willing to do to help or remedy the situation until you actually talk to them. And by this, I mean research and the drama that is unfolding and threatening to have greater collateral damage than might have been intended.