Till I get where I'm supposed to be.
After the last post, I went back to Singapore, had a whirlwind of a time, and had to literally tear myself away from what was dear to me to come back. The same dilemmas, same questions arose in me - why did I choose to extend my degree? Why did I choose to pursue postgrad? Why why why?? This does seem in contrast to the last post, doesn't it? I thought so. But I'm still in the throes of homesickness, I think lamenting about what I've left behind is warranted. Hong Hui once told me that leaving home to go overseas is a loss, and there is a grieving process after one leaves home. And I agree. One faces the loss of everyone's life going on without one, and not being around for the changes that happen to one's close ones. One loses the comfort one has known all one's life, and has to get used to a new status quo, even though said status quo has been established for awhile now.
And while I was in Singapore, I could hide behind that fact that I was on holidays and things could wait till I got back to settle. I was living under the illusion of truckloads of time, and man, was I good at escaping! Part of the inertia in wanting to come back to Perth was the fact that I would have to confront my research and the huge amount of admin stuff I would have to handle on my own. Dammit! And my ethics and program of study writeup. Argh...
I'm an escapist, and it gives me lots of relief to escape on a regular basis. I think that's not necessarily a good thing, but it's not bad either. For one, it allows me to detach after a day of work with clients. I need to switch off and not think of their problems, because I can't solve everyone's problems, particularly when they are not motivated to do so. But when escapism becomes a problem like how I've been avoiding work since I went back to Singapore.... Well, I definitely need to work on them. So the last few days has been a job in self-discipline, making myself sit down to think about the ethics application and finding out deadlines, and what is actually needed, and scheduling meetings with Angela for which I have absolutely no bloody idea what we are going to talk about. Can't say I'm proud of that, but I'm really hoping I'll be able to get at least one ethics application in by the time Kok Yong comes here to visit me.
Ah, Kok Yong. The main man in my life in at least 2 years' time. For those who didn't know, Kok Yong and I are engaged. The sweet guy proposed to me while in Taiwan, and thinking about the expression on his face as he was proposing still brings a smile to my face. This relationship is one I'll never regret, and I look forward to it with bated breath. He's been good for me, a strong anchor when I fly off on a tangent, a partner in many other things. We've experienced so much together and he's been so patient and so generous with me that I don't think I can ever find someone else like him. He's also one of the reasons why I'm thankful my life course has turned out the way it has. And the sweet man secretly bought tickets to come to Perth over Chinese New Year to keep me company, despite having to miss one of his classes, and forgo Chinese New Year with his family. The things he does for me, I'll always be in awe of.
And my family... What can I say? They are the best. They have stood by me all this time, always offering support and encouragement. They are there to keep me company when I'm lonely, and are always happy to see me. I owe it to them to be where I am today. Coming back here makes me realise that nothing can replace the fuzzy feeling inside you when you are back home. It's that comfortable feeling of knowing you can be who and what you wanna be at that moment, and that you can be as nua and as unglam as you want.
I've enjoyed my break at home in Singapore, and now, it's time to roll up my sleeves and get the rest of the show moving. Because, I can't wait to get to the end point where I find my way home to you.