Emails

Argh emails and liaising are the bane of my life at the moment. I feel it pulls me away from putting my attention on my research. All the emails ding-donging back and forth, arguing (diplomatically, of course) for my side of the argument, and keeping track of who has or has not replied and following up, is doing my head in. I only have so much brain space and I feel like so jumpy not knowing what to do first. I really need to get to my lit review, but the email is urgent and has to be sent out. But the email requires me to do a mini lit review, for which I feel so sickened by because it means I need to go and search for articles. Ahh...

I'm looking forward to after lunch when I can finally concentrate on the assignment I have pushed for 3 weeks. Wanna get this done so I can get started on the other assignments and also my lit review proper. How do I split myself?

Birthday Celebration 2013!

Well it's been a long time coming, what with my birthday having passed about a month ago. I must admit, it was more due to procrastination than actually being busy. After all, Facebook told all the story of my birthday celebration, why would I need to blog?

But I did feel the need. I feel the need to blog about the celebration because of the wonderful people in my life who found it worthwhile to celebrate my birthday, the beginning of my existence. These are the people who specially made concessions for me during my birthday just to make me happy, and are also the same people who try to make my life as easy to bear as possible.

Now, 2013 is the first time in 3 years I've celebrated my birthday at home, and I was really stoked to be able to celebrate it at home. I've really missed my family and Kok Yong, so I didn't really care how I was going to spend it, as long as it was at home, "home" being literally home, or in Singapore. I didn't care which. In the morning, Evon surprised me with a present on the bed. A pair of earrings! So sweet of her to buy me sparkly earrings, cos she noticed that I have a shortage of classy shiny ones.

I do note, I am so glad that I Evon and I have got closer over the years. It took a continent (or 2) to get us closer. While I'm ashamed of that, I'm glad it happened. Better to have gotten closer than not at all, right? I am ever thankful that I have such a thoughtful sister. She doesn't often say it, but her actions always show that she places us as her priority all the time. =) 


So, the original plan was to have mee sua at home with my family and Kok Yong. I was really looking forward to it! Haven't had Mira's mee sua for a birthday in such a long time. A body could miss tradition if she was away for a long time! Now I know why traditions are such an important part of a group's culture. =)

As it turns out, Kok Yong was also intending to sweep me off my feet with a surprise that day. He had booked a table for two at a mysterious location in Singapore. Unfortunately, he was unable to keep it a secret and a surprise, as it had slipped his mind that we would be having mee sua at home! Ah well. Compromise!

I made sure I had an early dinner of mee sua with my parents - after all, they had shifted their schedules around to make sure they could have the mee sua with me. I'm really appreciative of that! So I had the mee sua to symbolize my longevity (it was yummy!), and then began my preparations to meet Kok Yong at his workplace. Apologies for not having a photo of the mee sua!

Hehe and before that, though, Kok Yong had a surprise in store for me. Flowers! They were a gorgeous bunch of pink tulips. He remembered my favourite flowers! And he sent them even though I had told him not to. Not that I don't like flowers, but they die so fast and are so expensive! But the sweet man went ahead anyway, knowing that it would make me smile. =) 

So I reached Kok Yong's workplace and waited for him. He was so secretive about it all! I just thought we were going somewhere in town, but we went through Vivocity and Harbourfront, past RWS, towards The Cliff at The Sentosa Resort. I was blown away when I arrived. The scenery was gorgeous though it was at night. It was so tranquil, and  I loved the serenity of the place. Again, apologies for not having pictures; I was busy ooh-ing and aah-ing that taking photos was not on my mind.

The service was fantastic. The staff were obliging, and answered all our queries patiently. They remembered Kok Yong's reservation and were able to put his face to the name, and addressed him as soon as they saw him. I think that was pretty good service to actually bother to remember your guests' names.

The selection on the menu was not as extensive as I had hoped, but they were all very tempting. I wanted to have everything, and as usual, Kok Yong was very obliging. We both share a love for oysters, and he knows I had a good experience with the foie gras at Braise Sentosa, so he ordered a portion of each. We had the Fine de Claire oysters, and the Pan Seared Foie Gras with apple-celeriac slaw, lemon compote, and green apple espuma.

Fine de Claire oysters

Pan Seared Foie Gras

The oysters were wonderful! They were very fresh, very sweet. One thing we noticed about the oysters though, was that they were not as salty as the other oysters we have had before. Question: should oysters be salty?

The foie gras was, similarly, good. However, I'm not sure if I had been hungry when I visited Braise Sentosa two years ago, but I felt that the foie gras at The Cliff was not as good as the one at Braise. It was good, with the outside crispy and the inside soft and liquid-y, but it didn't have the melt-in-your-mouth texture like Braise had. I adored the espuma though. It was light and fluffy, and had just the right balance of sourness to complement the slightly metallic taste of the foie gras.

There was also a pre-appetizer. I am not familiar with fine dining, so it might be my over-estimation of The Cliff, but I liked that there were pre-appetizers and bread! No pictures of the bread, but here's the pre-appetizer: lobster bisque with lobster cream wrapped in prosciutto!

Lobster bisque (left) with lobster cream wrapped in prosciutto

It was the first time I had lobster bisque and, man, did it blow my mind! It was so creamy, and full of the sweetness of the lobster. I loved that it was so smooth to drink too. The prosciutto and lobster cream were all right I guess. The highlight for me was the lobster cream. Similarly, it was creamy and sweet.

I wanted to have the degustation set, but it involved beef and I wanted Kok Yong to be able to share it with me, so I had the Red Gurnard - which is a type of fish, butter fried, with baby octopus and shrimps tucked under it, and cooked in white wine sauce.

To be honest, I had absolutely no idea what a red gurnard was, but chose it cos the description sounded good. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they had hidden the octopus and shrimps underneath what I later realised was the red gurnard, the fish! I love surprises like that in my food! I was also pleased with the foamy stuff that accompanied it. I don't know the name, but it was so light and airy and so... ephemeral that I wanted more of it. =)

Kok Yong had the Barramundi - crisp skin, olive oil mash, pickled fennel, prosciutto 'floss' and broth.

Barramundi

 I know the etiquette of fine dining frowns upon sharing of meals, but it's my birthday so I think I can do what I want! =p Anyway, the barramundi skin was, true to description, crispy. I loved the contrast of the crispy skin with the soft flesh of the fish. I preferred the texture of the barramundi to the red gurnard, but tastewise, I think the barramundi was a little salty for me. I think it was the prosciutto flakes that did that? Kok Yong appeared to prefer my red gurnard too. Haha..

I was flirting with the idea of ordering dessert, but was a little hesitant to do so, because I felt that the selection was not only a little limited, but they sounded quite common. Granted, they had fabulous descriptions, but... nothing stirred my interest for that price. Well, in came Kok Yong's third surprise for the night - a birthday cake! I have no idea what flavour the cake was, but it was soo pretty!

My birthday cake! 

I think there was biscotti at the bottom of the cake, and... I think there were chestnuts inside the cake? Nonetheless, the taste was really quite good. The cake was very light and airy. I felt the portion was just right for Kok Yong and me. Just enough to assuage my craving for sweets, yet not so much to make me too full.

Me with my cake

Us

It was truly a magical day for me. Celebrating my birthday with my family and Kok Yong, what more could a girl ask for? =)


Glossary:

Siphon bottle

Espuma: The Spanish term for foam or froth, and one that is created specifically with the use of a siphon bottle (Modernist Cooking Made Easy)










Lobster bisque: Bisque is a smooth, creamy, highly-seasoned soup of French origin, classically based on a strained broth (coulis) of crustaceans. It can be made from lobster, crab, shrimp or crayfish (Wikipedia)

Donating Blood

Finally plucked up my courage to donate blood on Wednesday. I've been thinking about it for a few years, but was always too scared of the needle. There was always the fact that I'd just fallen sick or just come back from overseas. This time, though, the stars seemed to be aligned, so I thought I'd just go ahead.

I was very honest with the nurse (in the picture) that I was super nervous about donating blood, especially the point where they would insert the needle and leave it there for awhile. This is because when I was younger, I was super skinny and my veins could never be seen. The nurses often neglected to see this prior to inserting the needle, so they always had to wriggle it around inside to find my veins. THAT HURT. Worse still, there was once where they couldn't find my veins in my elbows, and had to shift to the back of my hand. When that failed as well, they turned to my wrist. It was bruised for the next few days. As I have grown and gained weight, it has become easier to find my veins. However, it doesn't make the idea of needles being inserted into me any easier. Haha... Well, but I digress. So after I confessed to the nurse that I was very scared of the needle, she took really good care of me. She was soothing, and let me know what was going to happen at each stage of the process. And surprisingly, the insertion of the needle wasn't too painful! I just winced and whimpered once and it was done. I couldn't really feel the needle inside me as I squeezed the stress ball, which was good. I had been expecting to feel the needle inside each time I squeezed, and that added to my fear. So.. you see? My mind was definitely magnifying how scary the whole situation was. Mine hadn't reached a phobic intensity, but already I was so scared. I guess this makes it more clear how courageous people with phobias are to finally confront their fears.

While donating blood, I was also thinking, I, as a healthy person, am able to decide when and how often I want to donate blood. This process is somewhat similar to dialysis, I imagine. But people on dialysis don't have a choice. They need to have a needle stuck in them 3 times a week - well, haemo-dialysis, that is - which is more than I can take. Imagine facing the same pain and possible bruising each time. Just one time for me and I had a bit of difficulty lifting my arm the first night. =S

After this whole event, I feel really good about myself. Not only did I go ahead with my values despite being scared, I also contributed to the community. It is nice to know that I may have helped save the life of someone who desperately needs blood from my blood group. =)

Wan Yu asked me if I would consider bone marrow donation. That gave me pause. I am keen on doing that, knowing that there is a real shortage of bone marrow donors, and those who need it would really really benefit from it. One of my friends from my CCA in uni has been diagnosed with leukaemia, and I'd really like to think I'm helping his cause. But I'm still scared of the pain! This time, instead of taking blood from the arm, spinal fluid is taken out. Just thinking about it gives me the shudders. I might give it more thought over time, but for now, I think I'll just concentrate on giving blood.

Research is a long and lonely road. Knowing that there is a link between my research and my journey through research used to be reassuring and fill me with motivation whenever I read my research papers, but now I'm left wondering when this will end. What do I need to do to get a reply? Is this a dead end or am I supposed to persevered? They say success comes to those who try. I've tried in as many avenues as I could, I've called as many times as is appropriate, but still no reply. It's like banging my head against a brick wall. We've always been taught to think positively, Facebook is full of positive affirmations. These encourage us to think that we matter, but really, in the whole scheme of things, in a large organization, we're nothing but a fly whose existence is observed when everyone is free but ignored when everyone else is busy. I keep waiting for that life-changing email which never comes. I've been calling till I believe the other party has now sent an email informing admin not to page him if there is a phone call. I believe the secretary also knows who I am and what to do with my calls now. But what else am I to do? Other organizations are behaving in the same way. Is it so hard to tell me whether they will work with me or not? I will be disappointed, yes, but I can move on with my life and I can prepare for other eventualities. My life is put on hold and I can't organize my sponsorship stuff.

Please remind me not to be like that to future students. It's cruel.

A Chance to Speak

Its been a rollercoaster of experiences since the last time I blogged.

Finally things are moving for the research, albeit slowly. At least they are replying, and I've got a (kind of) promise for advocating for me. I'm hoping things will gain momentum and I can move on with my research. It's frustrating sitting here not knowing what's going on or how I can remedy any mistake I might have overlooked, not knowing if I could have phrased something better or more politely or anything. It's also frustrating not having any control over the hospital's decision process and when they will give me a reply. Uncertainty has always been my weakness. I was reading Yalom's book on existential psychotherapy, and he was saying that anxiety is borne out of a fear of no-thing. Indeed, uncertainty is a vacuum for which the future is unknown. I feel that vague navel-pulling, heart flutter sense of nervousness when I think about the state of my research and that I'm always one day nearer to going back to Singapore.

It seems like the theme of 2012 is one of being in limbo. I'm in limbo regarding when I have to go back to serve my bond, I'm in limbo regarding my research, and in association with these, I'm in limbo regarding my accommodation. The landlord has plans to renovate the house I'm staying in, and he is kind enough to let me stay on till whenever I leave, but that's on the assumption that I'll be leaving latest by February of next year. So beyond that, who knows what will happen? I'm loathe to pack and unpack and pack again in a few months, but I'm even more loathe to go back to Singapore if I haven't even collected my data. Arghhhhh

And a drama of another sort is playing out on the undergrad front. Seriously, I don't remember having this sort of drama back in NTU. And boy-girl relationships are always the messiest, especially when they involve passive-aggressive members. And just so happens I'm caught in the middle of it, and I want to remain friends with both, but the situation seems a bit precarious now, with me looking like I'm on the side of one and not the other simply because of the presence of my name on a post. Ahh.... I  can see how each of them contributed to the situation that it is today, and I think it's a normal process of interpersonal relationships to have those responses when you face those stimuli. But seriously, withdrawing from the main group and making assumptions about how everyone else feels about you is not going to make their lives better. I feel sad over the potential loss of a friendship, but this brings about deeper emotions for me. I didn't get an opportunity to explain my thoughts about this to one of the players. And having an assumption made about me when I haven't been given a heads-up about the reception to what I'm going to say or without bothering to try to find out what we think, makes me anxious and striving to seek control of the situation.

Logically, I know that the safest option for me now is to keep quiet about the situation and not partake in anymore of this situation which I had already inadvertently got myself into simply because I was asking after the well-being of one of the players. I don't regret asking after the player's well-being, because I was being a friend. I just wished I didn't have to face the implications of this. It was more responsibility than I asked for. But if I were to be honest with myself, I would definitely have been curious as to what was actually going on. So just be careful what you wish for, kids.

Come on, give people a chance. You never know what they are thinking or are willing to do to help or remedy the situation until you actually talk to them. And by this, I mean research and the drama that is unfolding and threatening to have greater collateral damage than might have been intended.

Early Mornings!

I like being by myself in the mornings. There's something about the quietness in the early mornings that makes going to placement really quite enjoyable. I only just realised it this morning as I was walking towards my placement. I realised it was very peaceful, and I didn't have to make random small conversation with anyone. I could just enjoy the moment and the scenery around me. It was just me, alone with my surroundings, not even my thoughts were intruding. It's really peaceful when the mind keeps quiet and I engage only with my senses. That's one bright point in my early mornings! =)

It's a Long, Long Journey...

Till I get where I'm supposed to be.

After the last post, I went back to Singapore, had a whirlwind of a time, and had to literally tear myself away from what was dear to me to come back. The same dilemmas, same questions arose in me - why did I choose to extend my degree? Why did I choose to pursue postgrad? Why why why?? This does seem in contrast to the last post, doesn't it? I thought so. But I'm still in the throes of homesickness, I think lamenting about what I've left behind is warranted. Hong Hui once told me that leaving home to go overseas is a loss, and there is a grieving process after one leaves home. And I agree. One faces the loss of everyone's life going on without one, and not being around for the changes that happen to one's close ones. One loses the comfort one has known all one's life, and has to get used to a new status quo, even though said status quo has been established for awhile now.

And while I was in Singapore, I could hide behind that fact that I was on holidays and things could wait till I got back to settle. I was living under the illusion of truckloads of time, and man, was I good at escaping! Part of the inertia in wanting to come back to Perth was the fact that I would have to confront my research and the huge amount of admin stuff I would have to handle on my own. Dammit! And my ethics and program of study writeup. Argh...

I'm an escapist, and it gives me lots of relief to escape on a regular basis. I think that's not necessarily a good thing, but it's not bad either. For one, it allows me to detach after a day of work with clients. I need to switch off and not think of their problems, because I can't solve everyone's problems, particularly when they are not motivated to do so. But when escapism becomes a problem like how I've been avoiding work since I went back to Singapore.... Well, I definitely need to work on them. So the last few days has been a job in self-discipline, making myself sit down to think about the ethics application and finding out deadlines, and what is actually needed, and scheduling meetings with Angela for which I have absolutely no bloody idea what we are going to talk about. Can't say I'm proud of that, but I'm really hoping I'll be able to get at least one ethics application in by the time Kok Yong comes here to visit me.

Ah, Kok Yong. The main man in my life in at least 2 years' time. For those who didn't know, Kok Yong and I are engaged. The sweet guy proposed to me while in Taiwan, and thinking about the expression on his face as he was proposing still brings a smile to my face. This relationship is one I'll never regret, and I look forward to it with bated breath. He's been good for me, a strong anchor when I fly off on a tangent, a partner in many other things. We've experienced so much together and he's been so patient and so generous with me that I don't think I can ever find someone else like him. He's also one of the reasons why I'm thankful my life course has turned out the way it has. And the sweet man secretly bought tickets to come to Perth over Chinese New Year to keep me company, despite having to miss one of his classes, and forgo Chinese New Year with his family. The things he does for me, I'll always be in awe of.

And my family... What can I say? They are the best. They have stood by me all this time, always offering support and encouragement. They are there to keep me company when I'm lonely, and are always happy to see me. I owe it to them to be where I am today. Coming back here makes me realise that nothing can replace the fuzzy feeling inside you when you are back home. It's that comfortable feeling of knowing you can be who and what you wanna be at that moment, and that you can be as nua and as unglam as you want.

I've enjoyed my break at home in Singapore, and now, it's time to roll up my sleeves and get the rest of the show moving. Because, I can't wait to get to the end point where I find my way home to you.

Finding Meaning

This is going to be the focus of my dissertation, for parents who have found out that their child may not, or definitely cannot, lead the same lives as other children can. Based on what the literature on meaning making suggests, when parents find out that their child may not have the same kind of life as what other children can have, psychological discomfort arises, because they experience a discrepancy between their long-held assumptions (that the world makes sense, the world is benevolent and just) and the reality that their child, or them, who is innocent and has/have never done anything bad in his/her/their life, is not going to be rewarded. The world just suddenly doesn't make sense anymore, one can never count on things to remain the same. So my research is designed to help these parents find meaning in their situation and be able to cope, even though it is not a pleasant situation to be in.

Why am I talking about this? Dhyan said she felt it was no coincidence that my research would have a meaning making focus, because in some ways, I am starting to discover meaning in my life. And I agree. I am starting to see that life's twists and turns do not always necessarily bring me to a bad place in the end. It might feel like that at that point in time, but really, if I just hang on long enough and continue with the way I want to live, things will turn out fine in the end.

I used to, or still do, live in a very sheltered world. In particular, I was a SNOB in primary and secondary school. It hurt me a lot when I didn't do well in my O levels and had to go to a JC that most students in my secondary school didn't go to. But I gained my confidence in JC, I became more mature, and more open-minded. I saw and experienced things which I wouldn't have experienced at all. At the time, I couldn't see past the possibility that I could have not gone there had I worked harder, or been more confident, or had more self-esteem. But I see now that going to my JC was a necessary path in my life, because it changed me for the better, and made me get closer to Evon. I needed to go through that. I became more patient, and more accepting of others, and I got to know who I was better.

This made me ready for my undergrad days when I decided to do psychology. I learnt a lot about myself then, and also grew to accept that I would not give up some things about myself. Discovering my weaknesses wasn't the most pleasant, but having the confidence to know them and to become comfortable with them is something that I managed to do, and something that will always be an ongoing process for me. But the journey in my undergrad days made it gentle on me to learn about myself, and I love myself more than I did when I was in secondary school.

Fast forward to now, when I am in Perth doing my postgrad and pursuing my dream of becoming a psychologist. I think I have done reasonably well in my life, and, you know, without the commencement of self-discovery in JC and a deeper one in NTU, I wouldn't have been able to gain so much insight about myself. Now, the choice still remains as to whether I want to keep or let go of some of the emotional baggage, but I do know that whatever decision I make, it's not something I will regret, because I've resolved it and made peace with myself. I think I've also grown stronger in the time I've been away from home. I've learnt to assert myself and live independently. I've learnt how to take care of myself, emotionally and physically, and I'm really proud of that. I would love to go home, yes, but I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world.

Looking back, I've realised that everything that has happened has been for the best. And some of the decisions that I made, such as continuing to do the best I could in spite of being disappointed, have helped. I think I've learnt that in every situation, as long as I remember what I'm there for, and work towards it, living in the moment and trying my best, things will turn out for the best. And that includes everything - relationships, family, work, friends, etc. I know now that if my research were to extend and I couldn't go back to Singapore in time, I would be able to live with it. I am able to live with disappointments and be open to any other possibility open to me.

Dhyan also told me that I don't have to try to be myself. I do still feel like I have to, in order to please others. But I've come a very long way from who I used to be. I still have a long way more to go, but I'll get there.

Being Mindful

Got emotional while reading one of the family's blogs. It made me tear at some of the more pensive statements about her life. It's hard to accept that everyone else's life goes on, whether or not we are there with them. Just like how I wish I could be with everyone while I'm here in Perth, while wanting to lead my own life and experience life abroad on my own while here. While we gain something, we lose something. It's kind of like the dog in Aesop's fables. Perhaps we really shouldn't be too greedy.

There was a picture on Facebook today as well, with a quote by the Dalai Lama, saying that Man spends his time wanting other things and not looking at what they had in the present, in the end dying without having really lived. I guess that's what I've been doing - yearning for the past and future, but never really accepting what is happening in the present. I do enjoy what I'm getting here at the moment, but I don't think I've ever stopped to fully appreciate that I've got the chance of a lifetime here that many others can only dream or fantasize about. Yet here I am, going on about being over my life here. I learnt many things here in Perth - not only about clients, but also about myself. I learnt to be stronger, to be more independent, to be more assertive. I wouldn't want to change the person I have become here.

It's time to focus on the present, and take what I can get from this.

Loss

Just read on Facebook that one of my secondary school schoolmates' mother had passed away in April. Well I'm not in any way close to him, but I still feel very sad about it. Losing someone close to you is something nobody ever gets used to, including those around you.

I couldn't help thinking what would happen if the loss happened to me one day. I know I would be devastated. Imagine knowing that the person you love or have known all your life leaving you. No more phone calls, no more Skype, no more nagging. Doesn't the theme of Beautifully Imperfect fit this? We start to miss everything about the person - how we wish that person would quarrel with us once more, nag at us once more... could haves, would haves, and should haves would be flooding through our minds.

I wanted to leave a message for this schoolmate, but I wasn't sure what to say. I'm not close to him; what could I say that he hasn't heard before? What could I say that would make him feel better? Nothing. It's hard to put into words the multitude of feelings you feel towards a person's situation when you start to think that that could happen just as easily to you and the implications of that loss. It's a bit of an easy thing to say, but I hope he feels better soon and know that perhaps his mother is in a better place now with no more pain.

How Time Flies!

I never thought I'd feel as proud of someone as I am of Evon. Yesterday was her graduation, and I really wish I could be there with her to share in her joy. I'm so damn proud of her I wanna tell everyone about it. I was telling my housemates about her and how much I wish I was there and that I was so looking forward to going back home and seeing them.

Looking back, time has really flown, and Evon has really grown into a sensible and mature girl. I remember when we were in primary school, Evon would always be the one who tested boundaries and be the one standing out. That didn't really fit the family culture paternally, and really, to me, what Evon had been doing was just.... preposterous, unheard of, sacrilegious! But now, I realize, without that, Evon wouldn't have become the Evon she has become today, possessing so many qualities that I wish I had. Who cares if she didn't use to have many friends in primary school? She has lasting friendships with those she has been friends with. Who cares that she never went on stage to receive prizes in school? She's now Doctor Tay Yi Fang. Who cares that she used to get into trouble when she was young and used to spoil things? Now she repairs lives and is a pillar of support for us.

I just wanted to say, I'd never been prouder of Evon than yesterday (well, I have been proud of her, but I'm especially proud of her now), and I can't wait to see her and Yi Lun again. =)

Humbled Once Again

It's always amazing and humbling to know that one is liked by those around one. Once again, this year's birthday has been nothing short of humbling and touching.

A surprise birthday party was planned for me, with elaborate planning on how to get me to Michael's house for the BBQ, and Shawn and Andrea waking up early to come down to fetch me and buying sausages before the party, and Megan arriving earlier to decorate Michael's house, Joanna bringing so many pots and pans and mixing bowls and ingredients to make a damn good salad, and Wing making the birthday cake for me early in the morning, and coming home to find that Maggie and the others had gone out to buy a birthday cake for me. It's amazing to know that people like me that much to make such an effort, and for that, I am truly thankful.

Friends from Singapore sent messages via Facebook to wish me Happy Birthday and wishing me luck in Perth. Well I really need all these good wishes, and it's always nice to know that I'm not being forgotten even though everyone's life has gone on without me in the picture.

Most importantly, family members and Kok Yong made this a special day for me too. Papa and Mummy's message in the morning made me cry so hard because I could feel the love coming from the message and how much they missed me and wished I could be back at home with them where they could celebrate it with me. Kok Yong kept me company through to 2.40am on the day of my birthday (19th Feb to 20th Feb), and kept calling me to talk to me that day. Although he wasn't able to come online at night, what more could a girl ask for on her birthday? Evon waited for me online the whole day to wish me Happy Birthday. Really, for the things I've been blessed with, I'm most thankful to have been blessed with so many people who love me for who I am and who have helped me so much in my life. I don't think I'd have made it this far if not for the persevering support of my family.

When you look back on your life, you realise that you have actually accomplished more than what you had ever expected, had made the acquaintance of a wider variety than you ever imagined, and had an exposure to life that was different from what you imagined.

Sometimes, things happen for a reason. We may not see it at that point in time, but when you look back and see the patterns, you can't help but be amazed at how things turned out the way you wouldn't want to change. I have made mistakes and regretted certain actions, but now, looking back, I wouldn't trade anything for the world.

Life Is Like A Cup of Coffee - Inspirational Video Movie

Instead

I saw him shaking his change in a coffee cup
Asked for a dollar but I told the man to give it up
Said he's hungry i dont think that it's true
I bet my dollar he'd just spend it on booze
I turned my back on him and began to walk away
But then i heard a little voice inside me say
What if it's really true? What if he's hungry?
What if it's not for him? Does he have a family?

How'd you get here
How'd you end up on the street
Where did you go wrong
Wonder what I'd do if it were me

Chorus:
A new point of view
A walk in your shoes
I wish I could get inside your head
To see what you see
When you look at me
Cause I could have lived your life instead

Verse2:
It was 90 degrees in the Summer heat
She was veiled in black all the way down to her feet
This is America doesn't she know
Somebody take her shopping buy her some clothes
She came up to me I didn't understand a word
I was about to leave then another thought occurred
She must be really lost scared and frustrated
I should try again to see what she's saying

How'd you get here
How'd you get so far from home
What was it that made you leave
Wonder what I'd do if it were me

Chorus:
A new point of view
A walk in your shoes
I wish I could get inside your head
To see what you see when you look at me
Cause I could have lived your life instead

I wanna see oh see what you see
And I wanna feel oh feel just what you feel

Cos I could have lived your life instead

- Stacie Orrico

How true. Probably sums up my reasons for wanting to become a psychologist. Isn't it always illuminating to see how much a person can construe the same situation differently from you and realise that that person has grounds for viewing the world in the world they do? It's always interesting to see how our judgments of right and wrong are dependent on how we were brought up, and really, nobody is right, neither is anyone wrong. It's always a lesson in humility, and one I enjoy doing.

That said, I still believe strongly that we should all keep to the values that are important to us, while maintaining the open-mindedness that there are people who will have views and ways of doing things that are different from us, and respecting that. I'm still learning it, and I hope I'll get better.

Everything in its Time

Everyone needs time to think about their past actions in order to grow. I find that when you give things or people time, over time (no pun intended), you do find that things do change. So there's no use in getting upset over what you can't change when it's just going to do so sooner or later. We need to give ourselves and others time to get used to us too.

I think with this mindset, I've come to let go of many things. Some things are not worth pulling my hair over when I've got other things to think about and other things to do. Why spend my resources on things I can't help right now when I can spend my resources on things and people and build up my relationships with them?

I should have come to this realization years ago. That would have saved me alot of heartache. But then again, this probably wouldn't have had such a big impact on me as it does now, and I probably wouldn't have learnt so much. So, there you have it - everything in its time.

Note to my 16 year old self

Horrible results they were, weren't they? But you know what? Things happen for a reason. There's no need to be in the top school or at the top all the time. You're always going to feel you need to feel on top, but that's going to be more manageable as you grow older, because this time, you're better able to accept that when things happen a certain way, it doesn't mean that opportunities are going to be closed. Nuh-uh. You'll find that going to TPJC's not going to be all that bad for your self-esteem. It's where you're likely to find yourself and be a happier person again. Satisfaction with yourself does not mean that you have to be on top all the time. TPJC is not the best thing in the world to have happened, but it's not the end of the world. You might think I'm crazy and that going to TPJC's going to close alot of doors for you. But nope! You're going to get the experience of a lifetime, and you're going to become a better person because of all that. Better still, you're going to learn how to be stronger. You're not going to be a perfect person, of course, neither are you going to be the top scorer of the school. But you're going to find back the person you lost sight of before.

Let go, and go open the new chapter of your life. If there's one thing I've learnt in all these years, it's to give everything time. Everyone needs time to adjust and think about what's right. If you feel that it's right and you're doing something that you value and feel comfortable doing, go ahead. Trust yourself and your attributes, and that will get you the help and direction you need. Jiayou k?

So far...

I thought I'd be blogging more while I'm in Australia, but alas, I haven't had the time to. The last 2 weeks have been really long weeks. Each previous day feels like it happened a week ago, and everyday is just so filled with things to do that I can't quite differentiate each day from the other apart from my client meetings, and even then, it takes effort to recall what day it is. Supervisions are the same. I can't quite remember what went on in the last session, thinking that the last session happened 2 weeks ago instead of one. =S Each day has seen me holed up in the clinic, such that Michael has now deemed me as a permanent fixture there, not needing to change, only summoning my jacket from my room. Ahh hilarious. =p

Last week was a rather stressful week, with 4 deadlines due in just two days. It was a pretty intense experience, though I think it was rather interesting. Haha. I had two presentations - one on Wednesday and one on Thursday, and on Thursday, I had to submit an essay, and do an exam. So it was studying and research, all needing to be completed in one weekend. It was interesting to see how I coped. I thought I would have broken down and started losing my temper with family and Kok Yong and became more tearful, but the opposite happened. I was the same as always, and still able to talk and joke with people, and those in Singapore. Instead of thinking, "Oh bloody hell, I'm not going to finish this", I realised I wasn't thinking anything about that at all. And the funny thing is, I was in the moment of experiencing what I was experiencing. Sounds weird, eh? It was like I had two minds - one was trying to meet all my deadlines, while the other was observing from a little distance away, noting down my feelings and thoughts, and being vaguely amazed that I could really do it. Of course, I do have to give credit where it is due. My classmates have been exceptionally supportive, offering to pick up the slack - they had told me not to bother with participating in compiling the information required for Thursday's exam and that they would share the information with me - and also offering support in the form of asking how I am coping, encouragements, and also giving me air time to air my grievances if I wanted to. Haha there's a reason why these people are budding clinical psychologists, I guess. It's pretty interesting to observe what goes on in the staff room. Lots of support around, but also lots of anxiety when deadlines loom. Pretty much a hot place to be if you wanna observe psychologists behind the scenes. =p Of course, family and Kok Yong have been wonderful to me too. I really can't imagine how life would have been over here if they hadn't been there for me to vent my frustrations and air my thoughts. =)

This week has seen me going back to the flat at midnight, working on the WISC videos. The video wasn't perfect, but I don't think I have the energy nor time to redo 2 hours' worth of videoing, so I'm going to leave it at that. If it was only me doing the video, I might have reconsidered redoing it. But this involves another person's time, and it is not fair to ask my partner to stay back till so late when we all have our work to do.

Postgrad is indeed different from my NTU days. Although it was busy in NTU, there weren't so many strict deadlines I had to meet. Now, because the internal practicum is in a professional (albeit safer) setting, reports, tests, and summaries have to be done promptly. Records have to be kept neatly and accurately, and we have to do these on top of juggling school work.

But on top of these, I'm really glad I have the opportunity to come here to experience a different life. I might complain about the stress and the demands, but I'm really enjoying this, and I think if I didn't go through this experience now, I would never get a chance to do this ever again. Everything is interesting to me - even being different from the others in terms of accent, habits, and way of thinking, feeling, acting, it's been interesting observing the differences and appreciating them. I have found that my classmates are very open with sharing their culture with me, and they have often been mindful of the fact that I am an international student, so they have taken the time to explain their habits, culture, language, and bureaucracy to me. I have asked them many stupid questions, like, "When Australians say 'How do you do', do they really expect an answer?" (Ans: not really, but depends on the person), "Say foot. Say food. Why do you pronounce it differently?" and many others which I can't think of at the moment. And they haven't laughed at me, but explained it to me in all seriousness. This is really positive for me, as I have learnt that sometimes, stupid questions need to be asked in order to let us learn more. And today, Kate was listening to a song on the radio, and she just told Wing and me that it was an Australian song that is always played at pubs. It's called "Run to Paradise" by the Choirboys. She just thought she would share additional information about Australia with us, which I really appreciated. The video is below!



This is what I'm in Australia for. To learn everything I can possibly learn. I cannot ask for a better opportunity than this. =)

Humans are from Earth, Psychologists, too!

It's hard to put oneself in others' shoes. It involves being able to see from their perspectives, and knowing where they come from, and therefore understanding their circumstances. People think psychology students, and of course, psychologists, are super good at this, and we are therefore super understanding people who probably are pacifists and therefore don't fight.

But nope, we're just normal human beings like everyone else. We have our quirks and foibles, and our own stereotypes and prejudices, just that maybe, just maybe (and it's a very big "maybe"), we are more aware of our own thoughts and thus able to view it with a certain amount of objectivity. We get angry when we perceive we've been done wrong by, we get upset when things don't go according to plan, and we get upset when we're disappointed by whoever or whatever disappointed us. We are ruled by stereotypes and heuristics, just like all of you actually, so actually, we are the same as you.

Michelle told me she can be a clinical psychologist too. Well, why not? Personally, I think anyone can be anything they wanna be. Being a psychologist is not that much a stretch from being a normal human being, actually. Just listening, and responding appropriately, is already half the battle won, because you've got to get the client's trust. And anyone can do that. The other bit is the additional training that psychologists undergo, that probably makes them more sensitive in picking up the underlying issues. So how are we different from the rest?

One of the clinical lecturers said it's the quality of "warmth and fuzziness" that the interviewers were looking for. Yep, interviews are not as useful as taking psychometric tests, but he rationalized that the interviews were to get a feel of what the applicants were like, which were actually the "non-specifics" that they were looking for. By that, I guess they meant approachability, fluency in explanations (though I wonder how I passed that...), gentleness (?) etc. I don't know, really. Probably instinct for sniffing out probable backgrounds in clients? And then looking at these qualities, again, anyone can be that.

So I guess what differentiates psychologists from others is not how big-hearted we are, nor how understanding we are, but rather, the capacity to which we are interested in other people's lives, or how interested we are in making a change in their lives. I know I'm motivated by that, not that I'm anymore big-hearted or understanding than the next person. Hehe to put it crudely, I'm nosey. =p Really, we're not that different from you. We are just equipped with the training such that we SEEM to be better humans. But really, we aren't.

Life's Like That

"I'm really the wrong person to ask. I've been married twice and divorced twice, so I don't think I should be answering this question 'What have I learned?' There are going to be hills and valleys and what I've seemed to have noticed is that a lot of the young people today, they seem to want to quit at the first drop of drama or issues that they have. Even with my parents, there were the bad times. It's always going to happen and you need to work through those. If the love is there, you get through them together with trust and communication." -- Janet Jackson

This makes sense.